[home]

[cj pov]

Why did you touch my hand and softly say, “stop asking questions that don’t matter anyway. Just give us a kiss to celebrate here today – something changed.” – Something Changed – Pulp

Josh recovered slowly and as he did I visited less. I was never quite sure that he wanted to speak to me, to anyone but Donna and his mother, and so I didn’t try to make the effort.

The times I did visit, I ended up sitting there, wondering what the hell to talk about, trying to make chitchat about the weather, how things were progressing in the White House while he was in hospital. I even tried to discuss that damn astrophysics, or whatever the hell it was, that he was so intent on sharing with me the last time he was in hospital.

I was never good at chitchat. The truth was even the word irritated me, which I don’t think helped.

I received little response from Josh. I ended up giving little in return, making excuses to Donna about why I couldn’t visit. She must have thought I had some sort of recurring dental problem from the amount of times I had to apologize using the urgent dental appointment. Or there was just far too much to do at the White House, sorry, but maybe some other time.

I later thought that he was just trying to avoid us all, and lying in a hospital bed wasn’t the easiest way to do that.

Later I didn’t even bother with the excuses. There was no point.

It occurred to me that we all needed space. I don’t think any of us could trust Josh yet, not as we once had done. I don’t think we could trust ourselves, either. Sooner or later someone was going to have to broach the subject and it was easier if we didn’t talk.

I was almost thankful when Sam told me that Josh was going to spend a month or so with his mom. It was one less thing for me to worry about and I had plenty else on my mind.

I almost forgot about Josh in that month, apart from those times late at night when I couldn’t hear the voices in the office next to me. As annoying as I frequently found him, as many headaches that he might give me, I missed him, missed his voice, and missed knowing that he was going to do something ridiculously stupid in order to embarrass himself. Because most of the time I found it amusing as hell when he did that; unless, of course, it caused me any amount of grief for my job.

The time moved quickly, reelection was just around the corner, and we all had to focus on our work more so than usual.

I heard of Josh’s return to DC before I saw him. Sam was talking to someone about it and I accidentally overheard the conversation. “Josh’s back?” I interrupted.

“Yeah,” Sam said, half-smiling. “He’s not coming back to work for another couple of weeks though.”

“Oh,” I said.

“I was thinking, maybe we should go over and see him?” Sam suggested, almost hesitantly.

“Maybe,” I said, but I knew I wouldn’t. We no longer shared that sort of friendship. The mi amor was long gone; a professional respect had taken its place.

Sam said no more, and I went to back to my office and tried not to think about it.

A couple of weeks later I was surprised to see Josh at the door of my office, 8 o’clock Monday morning.

“Hello stranger,” I greeted him, a smile pasted on my face.

“Hey,” he replied. “I was just wondering - you wouldn’t know anything about the NEA thing, would you?”

I shook my head. “Try Toby,” I suggested.

“Damn assistant has already lost the file,” he explained with a wry grin. “Can we fire assistants for having issues with the NEA?”

I smiled, but I was surprised again, this wasn’t how I remembered him. It was entirely possible my recollection of him as the almost quiet, unsure Josh of the previous months had been almost completely imagined, but I didn’t think so. It was unlikely that my imagination would have changed him so drastically from reality, but this Josh in front of me was nearly the guy I remembered from months ago, from when Donna was still around.

“Anyway, no doubt I’ll see you around,” he said before he went in search of the elusive file. I thought no more of it, and submerged myself in data and reports that I needed for the morning’s briefing.

It was midweek when Sam came into my office, looking as though he was up to something. I wouldn’t have put it past him. He sat down on my couch. I looked at him over my glasses.

“So I was thinking,” he started. This could never lead to anything good.

“What?” I asked suspiciously.

“Maybe we should ask Josh if he would like to come out on Friday night,” he said, grinning. I was still wondering what he was up to.

“And?” I asked, still suspicious.

“And nothing. Just I think it would be a nice thing to do. Why do you ask?”

“You’ve got that look on your face like you’re going to tell me something that I don’t want to hear,” I told him. He tried to look neutral, but was successful.

“What look?” he asked.

“The one you’re wearing now. Sam, what have you done? It’s not another call girl or ‘a thing’ like that is it? You’ve not been caught doing something with Ainsley in public and you want to break it to me gently, have you?” I asked, warning in my voice.

“Ainsley? What have you heard?” he asked, panicking.

I grinned wickedly. “Nothing. Just tell me you’ve done nothing idiotic.”

“I haven’t!” he protested. “Well, nothing I can think of.”

“Good,” I replied, turning back toward my computer screen, wordlessly dismissing him.

He stood up and started to leave. “What about Friday? Can you come?” he asked.

“I’ll think about it,” I replied, my eyes still on the screen, my fingers not ceasing to type.

As it turned out, I was buried under a mountain of work when Sam and Josh left the White House for the evening on Friday and asked if I was going to join them.

I briefly apologized and warned them not to do anything stupid that might result in any hospital visits or media publicity. They gave me their solemn promises that they would keep out of trouble.

I saw nothing in the newspapers the next morning, so I was sure that they had behaved themselves, but there was something different. I wasn’t sure what it was, but Sam and Josh were no longer so distant, there was an understanding of sorts that I didn’t comprehend since I was so used to seeing them avoid talking to each other too much. I almost felt left out. But it wasn’t as if I could say anything.

It was only later that I heard about Maggie.

Apparently she was some sort of doctor in Boston. And she was fairly attractive and quite nice, although Sam did admit that he hadn’t spoken to her. I wasn’t sure what to think. Not that it really was any of my business. Josh and I weren’t really talking; I couldn’t ask him.

Then Sam told us about the thing. We’d gone out for lunch, something that we’d started doing more since Donna had left and everything else had happened.

I ordered a chicken salad and Sam got to talking about education. And he was ranting on and on, and it was quite irritating since I was in total agreement with him. He started saying about how we should really do something about it now, in case we didn’t win the election. We certainly couldn’t trust the Republican’s to do anything about it.

“And we can trust Josh?” I asked, since education had been something that he had been working on recently. I immediately regretted what I’d said, it was immature and unprofessional, and Josh was our friend, damnit, he was on our side.

Sam went quiet, and I wondered what he was going to say. I almost hoped that he’d call me on what I’d said, but he didn’t. Not exactly. It was worse in a way.

“CJ, he was set up,” Sam told me, and I didn’t really understand what he was telling me as he elaborated.

“It wasn’t Josh’s fault,” he concluded. “He was trying to help us. God, he was trying to protect us, to protect Donna. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his fault.”

Well, if I didn’t feel terrible about how I’d acted already, this certainly did the trick.

“I heard,” I said, the words sinking in, “I heard.” This was not good news, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I wanted to go to Josh immediately and tell him how sorry I was for being a complete bitch to him. But I needed time to think about what to say; would he even want to speak to me after the way I’d acted?

I had to leave the restaurant soon after.

As it turns out, apologizing wasn’t quite as difficult as I had imagined it to be.

The next day I went up to him several times, ready to tell him, and then chickening out at the last minute. I think he saw through it every time and later asked me out for dinner.

I got through to the main course before I could take it no longer and felt the need to apologize repeatedly about the way I’d been towards him, for not trusting him, for not being there when he most needed me.

His reaction was certainly not what I expected. He told me that I had been a good friend.

I stared at him for a moment or two, trying to comprehend what he was telling me. He told me that I couldn’t have known about the situation, that all things considered it was better the way it turned out.

That if I could ever forgive him for not telling me, he could forgive me.

And that was it. I looked at him, amazed by this transformation. By the person that he was now, how he had changed so much.

“I love you,” I said. Then thought for a second. “In a purely platonic way, though,” I amended quickly.

Josh smirked, but tried to look innocent. And failed miserably. “You mean, all this time? You lead me on, you accept my dinner invitations, and yet you love me only platonically?”

I nodded. He laughed.

I took his hand, and tried to concentrate through my laughter. “Whilst I certainly hold you in high esteem, I’m just not the right girl for you,” I told him, regretfully. Or as regretfully as I could whilst laughing. “I’m too tall. That’s the problem.”

He tried to pout. Again, failing. “Well, I must say it’s far easier being involved with Sam. He doesn’t have such high demands,” he sulked.

And I laughed at him. He smiled. And that was that.

Then Josh went to Boston, and as different as I thought things were before, they changed again.

Josh became more relaxed, happier with the world, so to speak, and the atmosphere in the West Wing altered and it was like when we all first moved in. We were enjoying working again, something I’d missed in the last few months. The only problem was that Donna was no longer there, my comrade, my fellow woman against the boys club.

Sam claimed that this change was due to Maggie’s influence. Honestly, I had my doubts.

I mean, as far as I was aware, Maggie was this really nice woman. But Josh barely knew her. And this was not the reaction of a person who barely knew someone. There was more to it than this. Maybe it was because I wasn’t a believer in love at first sight, perhaps if I did I would have been convinced that Maggie had caused this transformation.

But I’d walked in on a conversation that he had with her, this strange woman. It was after I’d seen Sam loitering about outside Josh’s office, looking as if he was up to something. Which admittedly, wasn’t exactly unusual, but I’d watched him for a couple of minutes, and I could see him watching Josh through the door. And naturally, I wondered what was up.

When I asked Sam, he denied knowledge, and wandered off again, so I walked into Josh’s office. He was laughing about something the other person had said and didn’t pay attention to me at all. I wasn’t even sure if he knew I was in the room. He continued to talk on the phone, listening, entirely captivated by the person.

I was more convinced that it wasn’t Maggie.

As to who else it could be, I had a few ideas. Someone that he knew from where his mom lived, maybe. An old friend? Or someone who he knew very well that we all thought he wasn’t even speaking to. Someone that I had suspicions had been in love with him at one time, and was almost certain that those feelings were reciprocated.

I think that’s why I was less shocked than the others appeared to be when I saw her standing outside the campaign headquarters, looking unsure as to what on earth she was doing there. I asked her why she was there, but I think I already knew.

I tried to hug her, but I was carrying far too much, since no one else was going to go and get takeout menu’s despite complaining for hours about how hungry they were.

I dropped all that I was carrying, and she offered to help me.

“It’s a mad house in there,” I told her, smiling. “Are you sure you want to come in?” She still looked unsure, and more than just a little scared, but nodded none the less.

We entered to a scene worse than when I had left it.

Hectic was not the phrase. Mad house was, surprisingly, a little closer. Frenzied and chaotic were probably a bit more realistic.

It took us a good ten minutes to make our way across the room to the small area in the corner where I had left everyone.

“I’ve got someone here who wants to see you all,” I announced and moved away quickly in anticipation of the crowd.

Unsurprisingly, as soon as they saw her, Donna was hugged and questioned by practically everyone she had ever met working in the White House.

“Donna!” Scarily, it was practically in unison.

I could see it was almost too much for her, so I announced “I’ve also got take-out menus!” Donna looked at me gratefully. “Where’s Josh?” I asked, knowing that he’d want something to eat.

It was only after that, as he said “Right here” I wondered if my theory was true or not. And as I saw the look they shared, there was no animosity, no uncertainty, and I knew that there was more going on than either of them had admitted to. I watched as they hugged, the obvious friendship between them cascading possibly into more. I was almost positive that they had been in contact since Josh was last in the hospital. I could only assume that they had met up in Boston.

Everyone else, on the other hand, looked shocked, as though they didn’t suspect a thing, which perhaps they didn’t. They had obviously been expecting them to stay as far away from each other as possible.

But all these thoughts were pushed out of my head as a silence came over everyone in the room.

It took me seconds to process what had been announced. We had won. And I couldn’t believe it.

Despite the fact that this was what we had been working towards for so long, that the numbers had been just in our favor, I couldn’t believe that we had another four years. I was glad, though, since I had no idea what I would do if we had lost.

I remember not knowing what to do next. I stood there, still in disbelief, people around me hugging and cheering, and I was struck with how much I wouldn’t want to change things for the world. Of course, four years later, we would have to leave, and everything would change. But right then, it just seemed right. Everything was back in place as it should be.

Then I joined in the celebration. Drinks were had; god, so many drinks. Dancing, hugging, some quite awful singing, and a lot of people wondering what the hell was going on with Josh and Donna.

Really, they could have done with getting lives of their own, but I couldn’t criticize since I was watching equally intrigued.

I later grabbed Toby and told him to dance with me. Sam played some music and grinned insanely at Josh and Donna who were also on the dance floor. Obviously, I was ignoring them. Really.

Okay, so it could be said that I had some interest in what they were up to. From a professional point of view, naturally. All right, so it was pretty much all from a personal perspective; I had no life of my own, I felt somewhat invested in their relationship.

The night ended soon after, with myself trying to convince people that in no way would I have a hangover or be late for work the following day.

Half of it turned out to be true. Unfortunately, it was due to the hangover which woke me ridiculously early with threats to evacuate the contents of my stomach that I managed to get into work on time. However, I knew that the other members of the senior staff, Sam most particularly, would be far worse, and so I felt better with that knowledge.

This was before Josh entered the room for staff looking as though he’d slept better than he had in the last few years. This was the man who could be drunk under the table by a five year old. If it was legal for five year olds to be drinking, that is. I was not impressed, and I was more than suspicious about what he had been up to the previous night, but knew not to bring it up. Instead I concentrated as much as I could on listening to whatever the hell Leo was talking about.

Later, after my head had cleared, I thought I heard voices in Josh’s room. I was entirely sure by this point it wasn’t in my head, and I didn’t know Josh had arranged a meeting with someone. At least not anyone I knew of who he would be laughing and joking with.

After about ten minutes my curiosity got the better of me and I abandoned my very important work that I had been working so very hard on. Okay, so I’d been sitting and staring at it for about half an hour. I approached the connecting door and, careful not to lean on it so that it might open, I unashamedly listened in.

At this point I decided to invite Sam to join me. I went out into Carol’s office and from there could see Sam wandering around Josh’s office.

“Sam!” I whispered, trying to keep my covert operation… covert.

He looked at me and I was not appreciative of the look of questioning sanity he gave me.

“What?” he whispered back.

“Come in here!” I demanded, still whispering, quite aware that my assistant was now also questioning my sanity. I wondered if I should have sent her on an errand before I tried to get Sam. I grabbed him as he drew closer and dragged him into my office.

“Why are we whispering?” he asked. I gestured towards Josh’s office then put my finger on my lips, willing him to be quiet and also to be psychic. Neither of which he understood poor Sam.

“What?” he asked, loudly. I frantically gestured again, and dragged him over to the door where we listened in.

I waited patiently for Sam to come to the same conclusion as I had. And while he was at it, perhaps he could tell me what had been going on between them.

“Hey! I know that voice!” Sam announced in what seemed to me his loudest possible tone.

“And they’ll know yours too if you don’t keep quiet!” I whispered, irritated.

“Sorry! I know that voice!” he repeated in a whisper as though I hadn’t heard the first time.

We got back to listening, for Sam to interrupt at a crucial moment in the conversation. It struck me that I ought to feel guilty about eavesdropping.

“Which way does this door open?” he asked seemingly out of nowhere. Unimpressed, I shushed him.

"That is… I was… I, uh… I think…" we heard Josh stutter, and I silently begged him to pull himself together or else he’d never get anywhere. "Why don't we go for something to eat now?" he finished much to my disappointment.

There was silence for a few moments after Donna’s response, and I wondered if I shouldn’t move away from the door and get back to work. I could almost sense what was going to happen next before it occurred.

Josh walked in. I knew this before I heard the cough. “Don’t let me stop you,” he told us, smirking. "Just wanted to say that I was going to be out of the office for about an hour, but it seems you already knew."

I said nothing, but unfortunately Sam decided to try and make up an excuse. And failed.

"Well, we were, umm…" he stumbled, and I felt the need to interrupt for fear that he’d start rambling.

"I thought I had woodworm in the door and wanted Sam's opinion," I said. Josh looked at me, perplexed, seeing through it.

"Well, good luck with that," he offered.

“Thanks!” I replied, about to kill Sam for even attempting to offer an excuse.

Josh left, his laughter echoing through the halls behind him.

I turned to Sam, about to yell at him.

“Woodworm?” he asked.

“Oh, as if you had anything better to say,” I retorted, irritated. I should have done the reconnaissance alone. I knew it.

Since Donna was going back to Boston the next day we went out again that evening, although we’d all sworn that we were going to avoid alcohol at all costs. Sam and Josh went to get drinks and so the rest of us sat and waited at a table.

As well as steering clear of the alcohol, I was also going to avoid getting into a discussion about Josh and Donna. I now find it quite amusing that I even thought that I might be able to avoid either.

Although in my defense, it was Zoey who brought the subject up.

“So, what was going on between you and Josh last night?” she asked almost as soon as Josh and Sam had left us. I inwardly groaned.

I wasn’t getting involved. It was my mantra.

“Nothing! Why?” Donna asked.

“Come on, I saw you two outside. And then with the dancing. What’s going on?” she asked again.

I wasn’t getting involved.

“We’re friends! Really, that’s all that’s going on!” Donna explained.

I wasn’t getting involved. But I didn’t believe Donna, either. There was a lot more going on than just friends, but if she was totally oblivious to this, I wasn’t going to tell her otherwise.

I wasn’t getting involved.

“CJ, there was totally something going on, admit it, you saw it,” Zoey tried to bring me into it. I really wasn’t getting involved.

“Hey, don’t ask me, I’m keeping out of this. Call me the Switzerland of this conversation, if you will,” I replied.

“Chicken! You agree with me, admit it!”

I wanted to know why Ainsley and Charlie weren’t being involved in this.

Fortunately Josh and Sam then chose to come back with the drinks. Mine was alcoholic, despite the fact that I’d only asked for a diet coke.

Well, there went one promise. It was only a few hours before I dismissed the other as well.

It was as we went to the bar to get drinks later and I noticed Donna staring not so subtly at Josh. I decided to question her.

“Okay, so what’s the deal between you two?” I asked outright.

“Huh?” she asked as she turned back towards me. I could see Ainsley attempting to hide a smile.

“Tell us. What’s the deal?” She looked oblivious. “You. Josh. I was going to stay out of it, but I’ve decided that for my own sanity as well as yours that you’re going to have to tell me, or do something about it.”

She smiled. “There really is nothing going on, CJ!” she protested.

“Then there’s something that you want to go on,” I commented, then paused. “Going on.”

“What?” Donna asked. “Did that sentence actually make any sense?”

“Yes!” I told her emphatically. Although I wasn’t sure that it did, but that wasn’t the point.

“Even I did want something to happen, not that I do, I don’t think there’s much chance of it,” she admitted. She glanced over at Josh, who looked back at her.

“Yeah, right,” I commented sarcastically. “Tell that to him.”

She didn’t reply but gave me a bemused look that I laughed at. I told myself I really was going to keep out of it, for the preservation of my sanity and to decrease the number of headaches.

Thanksgiving was just a few short weeks later, and Ainsley had decided to cook us all dinner. Since I hadn’t the time or the inclination to cook myself a Thanksgiving dinner, I agreed to join them, learning later ‘them’ included Sam, Josh and Donna.

We met at Sam’s just before midday, Donna and Josh arriving before me. After half-heartedly offering to help in the kitchen, we all sat down in the lounge to watch the football. God only knows who was playing. It was two teams, and very few good-looking guys. That’s all I knew.

Of course, this was probably less to do with my disinterest in football, and more to do with my interest in Josh and Donna. Despite my previous vow that I was going to remain unaware of the whole situation I found myself… intrigued. As was, so it appeared, Sam. They seemed entirely oblivious to our stares.

They spoke in hushed voices to one another, whispering and laughing, moving unconsciously closer together with every minute that passed.

After a while, I felt as though I was watching something not for me to see, and I wasn’t comfortable with the idea. So I asked if anyone wanted anything to drink. Sam was apparently feeling the same way and offered to help me.

We got to the kitchen before I asked. “You saw that, right? It wasn’t just me? I’m not hallucinating?”

“You mean…” he trailed off.

“Yes. Is there anything going on between them, or is it just me?” I questioned.

Sam threw up his hands. “I don’t know. They’ve not said anything to me. But at least they’re talking.” he finished optimistically.

I didn’t dignify that with a response. “You’re going to ask Josh,” I informed him.

“Why me?” Sam asked.

“Because it’s your lucky day,” I said, giving him a patronizing pat on the cheek.

“CJ!” he protested, but he knew that he’d never win against me, especially when Ainsley backed me up.

We didn’t get chance to discuss it before I left, although on exiting I looked at him and told him to ask. I went home, having had an enjoyable evening, and waited a while before calling Sam and asking what happened.

“Sam Seaborn,” he announced as he answered the phone.

“So?” I asked, far too interested in the outcome for my own good.

“Oh, hey CJ, I’m fine, how are you?” he asked sarcastically.

“Yeah, so, what did he say?” I asked again.

“Right. So, I asked him what was going on, and he said nothing. He asked who had told me to ask, and I told him you did.”

”Gee, thanks Sam,” I said insincerely.

“That’s fine. So I asked him if he was in love with her, and then she comes in and asks in ‘love with who?’” He paused. Whether it was for effect or not, I didn’t find out. “And he says ‘you!’ And she laughs.” He paused again. “She laughed, CJ! She laughed and said ‘oh!’” He stopped, obviously waiting for my analysis of the situation.

I had my suspicions, but said nothing.

I just smiled.

END OF PART NINE

[part ten]

[home] [fanfic] [ex post facto] [all fanfic] [stand alones] [finding the funny] [feedback]