A Fairytale of New York: |
***
The next morning she wakes early; she feels a strange sense of eager anticipation about the day ahead and doesn't know why. She thinks through everything she has planned for the day and can't make the connection between her enthusiasm and any of the tasks she has to complete.
After another cursory mental glance of her day his image appears in her mind. She dismisses the notion that her excitement has anything to do with him, even though it causes her to smile.
She tires of lying in bed without being able to sleep and gets up more than half an hour earlier than usual.
She decides to use the time to get ready slowly and takes much longer on her hair and choosing what to wear than normal, but her shower lasts no longer than it does typically.
She pretends to herself that she isn't making a big deal about her appearance for any particular reason; she just wants to look nice because pampering herself usually has the outcome of making her feel more optimistic about going to work, albeit temporarily. Besides, she has the extra time to use. At least, this is what she tells herself: Repeatedly.
***
She arrives at work on time; he is already there. He doesn't notice her as she enters; he is engrossed in completing paperwork with Danny. Danny looks up as she nears the table, gives her an exaggerated once-over and wolf-whistles.
“You dressed up for me, Agent Spade,” he comments teasingly.
“Always,” she replies with a winning smile.
Martin finally glances up at her, smiles. Somewhat awkwardly at first, she returns his smile.
She looks at him for maybe a second more than necessary before dragging herself away. She has work to do, she tells herself. Her efforts at working on her attitude don't need to go too far in the opposite direction, she chastises herself, although in reality her preoccupation with him has nothing to do with effort.
***
The day goes slowly at first; there is only paperwork to be finalised and ensuring information is completed on recent cases. It's not glamorous or particularly interesting for the most part, but it is an accepted part of the job and one that must be completed thoroughly.
Shortly after eleven, Jack calls them all into a meeting; there is a case for them to investigate concerning a 45 year old male from the suburbs. As Jack and Danny go to interview the man's relatives, Sam is assigned the task of background checks and scouring phone records for pertinent information. Martin is, again, requested to assist her.
She starts out in a manner similar to the previous days': patronising and misunderstanding his previous knowledge of the area. He briefly worries that she has not reviewed the situation as she promised she would. However, she quickly realises her mistake and starts over with an apologetic smile.
After he leaves her desk for his own, she shortly berates herself for slipping; her promise was that she would work on her attitude even if it had to be a façade. So far, however, it seems to be less of an effort than she had envisioned.
As she finishes searching through the phone records, she goes over to him to see about his progress with the cell phone records.
She stands behind his chair for a moment as he hasn't heard her approach and is still engaged in his work.
“Find anything?” she asks, and notes with amusement that he jumps slightly.
“Possibly,” he comments as he recovers. “This number here; he phoned it four times in two hours the day before he disappeared. Then it appears several times more in the last week: twice on Tuesday, twice on Thursday, and again on Friday.” She leans in to look at the records as he points to the information.
“Do we know who the number belongs to?” she asks.
He has to reach across the desk to get the details and because of her position, he ends up hitting her knee with the chair as he turns and moves.
“Sorry, I didn't realise you were so close,” he apologises. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” she informs him as she rubs her knee dramatically. “I might end up crippled for a few days, but other than that, I'll be fine,” she jokes.
“You want to sit down?” he asks, concerned. He starts to stand and places a hand on her arm in an effort to help her.
“Martin, I'm fine. You barely grazed it. It's fine,” she insists.
He sits back down again, “You're sure?” he asks.
She starts to glare at him, reply back with a biting remark, and then thinks the better of it. “Yes,” she says firmly.
She only notices that he hadn't moved his hand from her arm when he finally pulls it away minutes later.
***
Later, she gets partnered with Danny as they go to question the man's colleagues.
“So, you seem more cheerful today,” Danny comments in the car.
“What do you mean?” she asks defensively.
“Well, until now,” he teases.
“What do you mean?” she repeats, slightly less demandingly.
“Well, just that you seem to be happier today than you have been in a while…” he notes seriously, “and your flirting skills with the new boy seem to have improved dramatically,” he teases. She glares at him. “You didn't even try to bite his head off when he tried to help you earlier.”
“What would you know about that? You weren't there!”
“Ah, but I have connections. People tell me things,” he says conspiratorially, waggling his eyebrows up and down.
Ignoring the accusations, she laughs at him. Despite finding him amusing this once, she hopes it'll stop him teasing her about Martin.
***
Over the next few weeks, she begins to relax more in Martin's presence, although she still occasionally feels awkward when they are alone together. She doesn't always know how to react around him and when the team go out together, she drinks less than she would have previously. There is a constant reminder of their history in her mind and she still remembers the small details that she'd rather forget. She worries, too, about what he remembers; she already knows that he recollected something of their night spent together and, as she doesn't, it makes her feel as though she needs to be more guarded.
The main problem, as she sees it, is that she remembers too well what happened afterwards; their date/non-date; the way he kissed her before he said goodbye; the letters she re-read for months and which she has stored in her desk at home.
It's those things which make it all the more awkward to her as she finds herself constantly revisiting them both in the daytime and during her dreams.
And when she sees him on the days after those dreams it's difficult to convince herself that they're just friends and that's all she wants from him. It's difficult to remember any reason why she doesn't just bite the bullet and go ask him out. Except that he doesn't feel that way about her and it would be awkward afterwards. Particularly since she's only just got back to a place where she feels comfortable with Jack and she envisages that it could be worse with Martin.
What she does notice, however, after her conversation with Danny, is that she is more cheerful; or at least something approximating cheerful. She hasn't been happy for months, maybe more, certainly not in the lead up to her trip to Las Vegas, and that was over seven months ago.
She knows that others have noticed this; it's evident in the way that the team is now that little bit more cohesive than before. They seem to enjoy each other's company again, both at work and on social occasions, and she knows that this hasn't been the case for some time. She knows that this was at least in part due to her relationship with Jack; the way that they see-sawed between emotional states and how this changed the dynamic of the group.
Now that she is just friends with Jack, and since Martin entered into their lives with his easy, friendly manner, they're more of a team.
She worries, however, how her relationship with Martin might affect this new dynamic; how her propensity to become distant when she wants to retract herself from a situation because of her emotions might cause the situation to revert. She's determined not to let this happen and tries her best to be friends with him.
And when they're finally to a point she feels comfortable with, their own dynamic goes off-kilter as an outsider – a woman from public relations – tries to become more than just friends with him. And suddenly their whole precarious relationship is under threat again and she knows that she's trying to distance herself.
***
She sees him talking to the girl from the public relations department as she walks through the lobby on her way to the office. The girl flirts with Martin; she laughs at his comment and touches his shoulder in an intimate way. He doesn't seem adverse to the attention, but Samantha feels immediately negative and critical about the girl; she obviously likes Martin and wants to ask him out and Sam can only think about what a preposterous idea that would be.
The girl has probably already slept her way through her own department and is now looking for fresh meat, Samantha thinks unreasonably. Good luck to her, she decides.
“Manage to arrange a date with Bambi for tonight then?” she asks when he enters the office.
“Bambi?” he questions.
“Yeah, the cute, *naïve* little dear from PR you were talking to in the lobby,” she comments sarcastically.
“Should I have?” he wonders, confused. As far as he was aware he was having a friendly conversation with an acquaintance.
“Well, she's definitely into you, with her cute, tinkly laugh and her “Oh, Martin, you're so funny!” I put two and two together and thought you'd make a lovely couple,” she attempts to sound innocent. She doesn't know why she's reacting in this way; he's unattached and free to date whomever he wants. She doesn't associate the feelings with jealousy, because she's determined that she's not jealous; she has no reason to be. He's just Martin; a friend; a co-worker; someone she has no feelings towards. At least not in that way.
“We're just friends,” he shrugs. He's confused about her behaviour over the last couple of days. One minute, she's friendly, funny, the next, she's hostile and indifferent. He wonders which personality is the real one. Is she just playing some cruel and unusual game when she pretends to be friends with him? Or does their past have something more to do with it? Does she just not know how to react around him given their impromptu wedding seven months ago?
He decides to leave her alone for the moment; he doesn't want to play a part in this game she wants to act out where he's the bad guy for talking to some woman she barely knows. He briefly wonders if she's jealous: jealous that he has an easy manner with people and has no difficulties opening up to others and gaining friends.
Later, Marissa comes to speak to him regarding a case that was passed over to homicide. He's aware that she is perhaps a little friendlier towards him than necessary, given that they are in a work situation, and wonders briefly why she came to speak to him when the most appropriate person would have been Jack, but he is polite towards her and tells her that she should talk with Jack.
She laughs and admits almost conspiratorially that she already knew that.
He looks at her, bemused.
“I just wanted to have an excuse to ask you if you were free tonight,” she asks loudly, laughing again, placing her hand on his arm.
For reasons he doesn't quite understand, he quickly glances over at Samantha. She watches them, and as he looks over, their eyes briefly meet before she turns back to her work.
Marissa gives a knowing look, “oh, well, if you're already busy…” she trails off.
He grasps for words, conflicted, not wanting to give the wrong impression, but nor wanting to encourage her advances. “I'm sorry, Marissa. I like you as a friend, but I've only just got out of a messy relationship and I'm not ready…” He comes to an end as he realises that he sounds like a cliché.
She smiles insincerely, “yeah. Well, I had to ask. I'll see you around.”
***
Later that evening, he leaves the office and starts his walk home when he hears a voice calling his name. He turns round to find Samantha walking behind him.
“So, going to get ready for your hot date with Bambi?” she asks sarcastically.
He stops. “Are we really friends?” he asks her.
She's confused, she wonders why he asks. She shrugs, “sure.”
“Because I'm beginning to wonder,” he mutters under his breath, but loud enough that she hears.
“Wonder what?” she questions sharply.
“I don't understand you,” he says, throwing his hands up dramatically. “One minute I think we're friends and then the next minute you're… I don't know… Something happens and I feel as though I've done something to offend you. I just don't know what!”
“Like what? When has that happened?” she queries.
“Today for example, with your constant digs about my friendship with Marissa. Is there some unwritten rule that I'm not allowed to have friends?” he vents.
“Be friends with who you want, I don't care! I don't care that she was being inappropriate and throwing herself at you in the office in front of Danny and me. I don't care if you think that that's attractive behaviour. I don't care who you go out with,” she tells him, her voice getting louder.
“I'm not going out with her!” he practically shouts back. Realising that he's standing in the middle of a busy sidewalk, he lowers his voice. “I don't want to go out with her,” he repeats quietly but forcefully.
She doesn't know why this makes her feel as though some imaginary weight has been lifted from her shoulders that had been burdening her all day. She doesn't know why this admission causes her to feel like smiling, although she doesn't.
She tries to pretend that it doesn't matter and she doesn't care. But she looks at him and she feels drawn towards him. She moves closer. His hand moves up to rest on her arm and she can feel the heat emanate through her jacket. She moves closer to him, her hands on his jacket and her eyes connected with his, and she feels unable to break her gaze with him. She inclines her head as he brings his closer to her; she begins to widen her lips mere centimetres from his, when it all comes to a stop.
Someone jostles her on the busy sidewalk and the movement causes them both to realise where they are and what they were about to do.
She pulls away, not knowing what came over her. She turns to leave when he puts his hand on her shoulder.
“Samantha,” he calls.
She turns back towards him. “Yeah?”
“Are we really friends?” he repeats his question from earlier. It's important to him that he knows.
She smiles genuinely, “Something like that.”
He grins as she turns and leaves.
***
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